We all tell them don’t we? We all share them. It’s how we relate to each other. But is it possible to simply explain a situation to someone without the story telling? Is it possible to just stick to the facts without embellishment? Let’s unpack this idea further.
Many lifetimes ago, I worked in the insurance industry. It doesn’t take long to learn that there are two different stories for every claim. When there is a car accident, each driver has their own version of events. Is one right and one wrong? Well, sometimes but not usually. Are they lying? Sometimes, but again not usually. They are each telling their side of their story through their own eyes which they believe is factual. Sometimes on the surface it’s obvious. Someone has run a red light. Failed to give way. Tailgated. Sometimes not so obvious. But the one thing that rings true – everyone has a story around what happened.
When sharing a story with someone else, there is typically a motive or intent. For instance, you learn about a corrupt politician. You share a story with someone else with the express intention of influencing that person not to vote for them. You’re running late for an appointment. You tell a story that has a motive of seeking sympathy. I think you get the idea. Stories don’t tend to exist without assumptions. We assume we will receive the sympathy. We assume the insurance company will believe our story over the other party’s. We assume you will sway the other person’s political motivation. Without intent or motive or assumptions, a story becomes simply a set of facts. This is what happened – without angle or emotion. But this is not really what we do as humans. We LOVE a good story!
When I studied to become an NLP Practitioner I was introduced to the concept of “the map is not the territory”. This is so true but for those of you outside of our profession it may not necessary make sense. How about we substitute the word “map” for “mental model of the world” and “territory” with “actual world”. So the statement becomes “Our mental model of the world is not the actual world”. Think about that for a moment.
The thing with stories is that we take the concept we are attempting to communicate (our intention or motivation) and make it into a ‘thing’. An example of this would be having an argument with your spouse about him being late for tea. You start accusing him of being disrespectful. He retaliates. You are making it into a ‘thing’. In the big scheme of things, it’s not a big deal but you make it into one. No doubt you’ve done it recently. And from here is dangerous ground as it generally leads to labelling. “You’re a jerk” comes flying right out of your mouth without even thinking. You draw conclusions – “you’re always late – you don’t care about me or little Johnny.” And from there it’s a really slippery slope as it then leads to drawing conclusions – which is what you make it mean. You make it mean he is having an affair and is going to leave you. When what really happened was there was an accident on the freeway and his phone ran out of battery. Do you now see how you can blow something completely out of proportion and cause a total out of context emotional response? And actually believe you are justified in doing so? Well, you can be right or you can have peace. I know what I would prefer.
My challenge to you for today is to start recognizing when you are telling stories. Be open to learning something new about yourself. What could be? Interrupt those negative thoughts and stories and replace them without something that will actually produce a positive result. Just remember, labels are usually lies. Name-calling isn’t going to get you what you want and it’s kindergarten stuff. We are adults and we are – believe it or not – fully capable of communicating clearly, powerfully, deliberately and purposefully. Leave the stories at the door. Don’t make it into a ‘thing’. Drop the labelling, the conclusions, the significances, the assumptions, the intentions, motivations, the justified actions and out of context emotional responses. It just won’t bring you what you really want. Journal about it if you need to. You may just find a new way of being that better serves you.