We all do it – carefully craft stories in our minds about what’s happening around us, what happened in the past and what will happen in the future. We interpret situations, assign meaning to others’ actions, and often, without even realizing it, create elaborate perspectives and narratives that shape our thoughts, feelings and reactions. This internal dialogue can become so ingrained that they start dictating how we view ourselves, others and the world. And we are so very good at elaborating, exaggerating and even equivocate an event and sometimes it can turn far from the facts.
But what if the stories we’re telling ourselves aren’t true? What if they are simply reflections of our fears, insecurities or past experiences?
The Power of the Stories We Create
Our minds are constantly trying to make sense of the world (we are meaning making machines) and one of the ways we do this is by creating narratives to explain what we see and experience. Our brains do one of 4 things: we measure, compare, describe and judge. These descriptions aka stories help us navigate life, but they also have the potential to distort reality and become rather unhelpful.
- Negative Interpretations: Imagine you wave at a colleague across the room, and they don’t wave back. A story forms in your head: “They’re ignoring me. Maybe I’ve upset them, or maybe they don’t like me.” In reality, they might not have even seen you.
- Assumptions about Intentions: Someone cancels plans with you at the last minute, and you think, “They don’t care about me.” But maybe they had a family emergency or felt unwell.
These narratives are rarely neutral. They often lean towards the negative, particularly when we are in moments of stress or insecurity. Over time, if unchecked, these stories can shape how we interact with others and even limit our own potential. And when you really think about it, often times over time we tend to further embellish stories so they are from an actual factual account of the event as to describe the event through the lens of where we are currently in our personal development.
How Stories Take Control of Our Lives
When we take these mental stories as truth (which consequently can be quite dangerous as it skews our version of reality), they can control our emotions and behaviours. We start to act based on the assumptions and beliefs we’ve created in our minds. And the results are:
- Damaged Relationships: We may distance ourselves from people based on a false interpretation of their actions. A single miscommunication can turn into a long-standing rift if the story we’ve created remains unchallenged.
- Limiting Beliefs: These stories can also affect how we see ourselves. If you tell yourself, “I’m not good enough for that job,” you might not even apply, closing the door on potential opportunities.
- Emotional Turmoil: The stories we tell ourselves can lead to unnecessary anxiety, anger, or sadness. We may react emotionally to situations based on the narrative we’ve constructed, not the actual facts.
How to Stop the Stories from Controlling Your Life
- Recognize the Storytelling
The first step is to be aware that your mind is creating these narratives. Awareness is always half the battle. Notice when you’re jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about a situation. Ask yourself: Is this a fact or just a story I’m creating? - Challenge Your Assumptions
Once you’ve recognized a story forming, question its validity. Look for evidence that supports or contradicts it. Could there be an alternate explanation? Was the person really being rude, or were they simply distracted? This process helps you view situations more objectively. - Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness helps you stay present and avoid spiralling into mental narratives. Instead of getting lost in thoughts about what could be, mindfulness encourages you to focus on what is actually happening in the here and now. - Reframe Your Thinking
When you catch yourself in a negative story, reframe it in a more positive light. Instead of thinking, “They’re ignoring me,” reframe it to, “Maybe they didn’t see me” or “I’ll check in with them later to see how they’re doing.” This shift in perspective can dramatically change how you feel and react. Better still, check in with them to get the actual facts. - Seek Clarification
If you find yourself creating a story about someone else’s intentions, it’s often helpful to simply ask for clarification. This can help clear up misunderstandings before they spiral into bigger issues. - Let Go of the Need for Control
A lot of our storytelling comes from a desire to predict and control outcomes and gather evidence to support an agenda. Letting go of that need can be freeing. Sometimes, it’s okay not to know all the answers. Trust that things will unfold as they should. - Stay Grounded in Reality
Ground yourself in what you know to be true. Focus on facts and tangible outcomes rather than imagined scenarios. The more you stay rooted in reality, the less control these stories will have over your life. Get out of the drama!
The stories we make up in our heads are part of being human. Our brains are wired to seek meaning, even when there isn’t a clear explanation of what is actually happening. But when these stories begin to control our thoughts, feelings, and actions, it’s important to pause, question, and redirect our thinking. I liken it to my old insurance days’ with respect to a car accident – a single event where there is always two different points of view coming from different people and different reasons for their individual stories (I always found it fascinating to navigate to the truth). By becoming aware of our mental narratives, challenging their validity and staying rooted in the present, we can stop these stories from ruling our lives and start living with more clarity, peace, joy and confidence.