I recently finished reading “Fearless” – Jelena Dokic’s second book and she referenced this term called “toxic positivity” and I became curious. What is it? Why is it bad for people? And how can we process it for positive outcomes. Because we’ve all heard it – “Just stay positive!” or “Good vibes only!” And while optimism has its place, let’s call it for what it is: toxic positivity.
Toxic positivity is the pressure to plaster a smile on every situation, no matter how messy, stressful or downright challenging it is. It’s the idea that negative emotions are “bad” and should be quickly buried under sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. But here’s the reality- denying what’s happening doesn’t make things better. Invalidation actually makes them worse.
What Toxic Positivity Actually Is
Toxic positivity isn’t about being optimistic or encouraging. True optimism acknowledges obstacles and still believes in the possibility of growth at the other end. Toxic positivity, on the other hand, dismisses or invalidates genuine emotions which in situations where there is mental illness, can be harmful.
Example:
- Toxic Positivity: “Don’t be sad, everything happens for a reason.”
- Healthy Support: “I can see you’re really struggling right now. Do you want to talk it through?”
One shuts people down. The other opens the door for connection and growth. Having grown up with a Mother with significant mental health issues, she was often told to just “snap out of it” and “can’t you just be happy?” It’s these sorts of comments that really don’t open the door for healing and growth – in fact, it creates greater isolation and confusion.
Why Understanding It Matters
In leadership and in business, your ability to create a safe space for honesty is everything. When you sweep problems under the rug with a “positive vibes only” mindset, you’re not leading – you’re avoiding. And you know what they say about that – you attract what you predominantly think and feel. So if you are constantly in an avoidance energy space, you will attract more people and situations that will require you to avoid. Not exactly a productive nor positive way to live is it?
Understanding toxic positivity means you recognize the value of the whole human experience. Stress, disappointment and fascination are not signs of weakness and they are definitely not bad (remember when we were children and how we were told to stop crying, don’t show anger etc etc?). They’re signals. And signals give us the information we need to grow, adapt and lead more effectively and efficiently. And being truly human is to experience all of the human emotions fully – they key is to not sit in the negative ones for too long. Let them wash over you but not sweep you away.
How Toxic Positivity Impacts Teams
Here’s where it really gets tricky: toxic positivity in teams kills trust and stifles performance.
- Silence over honesty: Team members won’t raise concerns and challenges if they know they’ll be met with dismissive positivity.
- Burnout masked as “fine”: People push through exhaustion instead of admitting they need support.
- Surface-level relationships: Teams become performative, saying what they think you want to hear instead of what’s real.
- Missed opportunities: Problems don’t get solved because no one feels safe naming them which then leads to attrition.
A “good vibes only” culture might look pretty on the outside, but underneath? It’s a pressure cooker and a time bomb. If people are feeling invalidated, they will leave.
Key Takeaways
- Positivity is powerful, but not when it’s forced. Real leadership allows space for the full spectrum of emotions. We are human after all and surprisingly we are wired negatively anyway (think fight or flight).
- Validation builds trust. Acknowledge feelings, even when you can’t fix the problem. Remember though not to be swept away by them.
- Authenticity beats perfection. Teams thrive when leaders show it’s okay to be real, not relentlessly “happy.” Because that is fake and everyone knows it.
- Constructive conversations fuel growth. Facing challenges honestly and head on creates solutions and innovation. Sometimes the greatest challenges can be the foundation for sensational ideas.
Positivity is like salt. Used well, it enhances the flavour of leadership. But dump it on too heavy and it ruins the dish. And when there is mental illness, it can feel like rubbing salt into a wound – it burns. The best leaders know when to sprinkle optimism and when to lean into honest, gritty conversations and tackle them head on.
Because at the end of the day, the strongest teams aren’t built on “good vibes only.” They’re built on trust, truth and the courage to face all the emotions that come with doing meaningful work. Triumph after all comes from tri-ing and a whole lot of umph!
Mini Action Plan: Leading Without Falling Into Toxic Positivity
- Check your default response
- Instead of jumping to “It’ll all be fine,” pause. Ask: “How are you really feeling about this?”
- Swap quick fixes for curiosity and leaning into constructive, meaningful and purposeful conversation.
- Validate before problem-solving
- A simple: “That sounds tough, I can see why you’d feel that way” goes further than dismissing emotions.
- People don’t always need solutions. Sometimes they need to feel seen and understood.
- Create space for honesty
- In team meetings, normalize sharing challenges, not just wins.
- Try a “What’s one obstacle you’re facing this week?” check-in and watch your team come alive in bringing innovation to the table.
- Model emotional range
- Show your team it’s okay to feel more than just “positive.” Share your own challenges alongside your optimism.
- Authenticity gives others permission to be real, too.
- Balance optimism with reality
- Optimism isn’t pretending the storm doesn’t exist. It’s saying: “Yes, it’s raining – but here’s how we’re going to stay dry.”
✨ Leadership truth bomb: The goal isn’t to eliminate negativity – that will never happen. It’s to create an environment where people feel safe enough to process it – and then move forward stronger by taking the learnings. But life is what it is – sadly no unicorns but there is plenty of sunshine and rainbows too.
Image: sora.chatgpt