Grab a coffee and let’s have a little talk about self-care. Because somewhere along the way, many women became exceptionally good at looking after everyone else while quietly putting themselves at the bottom of the list.
Work. Family. Partners. Children. Parents. Friends. Responsibilities.
And somewhere in amongst all of that? You. Usually last.
And when life throws something gargantuan at you like grief, loss, trauma, divorce, an empty nest, career upheaval or the loss of the life you thought you were going to have, that habit of putting yourself last can become even more deeply entrenched.
But here’s something I want you to hear: Self-care is not selfish. It is one of your greatest mental wellness superpowers. And no, I don’t mean you need to disappear to Byron Bay for three weeks, spend $10,000 on a wellness retreat and emerge wearing linen, glowing mysteriously and declaring that you’ve “found yourself” whilst becoming the newest Instagram influencer. Although, frankly, if someone is offering, I’m available. 😂 But I digress …
Self-care can be beautifully simple. It might be 10 minutes of meditation when your mind feels like it has 47 browser tabs open. I particularly enjoy putting my legs up the wall – a Yoga pose for those who don’t practice. It might be walking in nature (River Murray for me last week), breathing fresh air and allowing your nervous system to experience something other than unending stress. It could be putting on your favourite music and singing loudly in the kitchen or the car (I especially love this one). It could be a massage, facial or long hot bath with a good book simply because it feels bloody lovely. It might be listening to your favourite Podcast (for me right now it’s “Con-versailles-tions”), sitting quietly with a coffee (or in my case a Mushroom Latte) or enjoying a meal at your favourite restaurant (last night we dined at our local The Corner Hotel). And yes, eating your favourite foods counts too – even if it’s chocolate, licorice or cake.
Self-care isn’t about creating another list of ‘shoulds’. It’s about asking yourself: “What would feel good for me right now?” Sometimes the answer will be meditation. Sometimes it will be movement. Sometimes it will be a good meal, alcoholic beverage of choice, music and/or laughing with someone you love.
And sometimes it will be putting your phone on silent, closing the door and telling everyone to leave you the hell alone for an hour (done this once or twice before – maybe more ….) All of it counts.
Because when you’re recovering from grief, loss or trauma, there are no quick fixes. Healing isn’t linear. There isn’t a magical 28-day formula that makes everything disappear. There will be good days, crappy days, days when you feel hopeful and days when getting dressed feels like you’ve climbed Everest. And that is normal.
But every small thing you do that brings a little comfort, connection, pleasure, calm or joy back into your life matters. It counts. You’re teaching your brain and your nervous system that life isn’t only about surviving. There can still be moments of safety. Moments of connection. Moments of pleasure. Moments of laughter. Moments when you remember that underneath everything that has happened, you are still here.
And sometimes self-care means recognising that you need more support. Talking to someone you trust can be incredibly powerful. A friend. A family member. A coach. A counsellor. A psychologist. Someone who can sit beside you without trying to fix you.
And if you recognise that you’re struggling to cope, reaching out for professional support isn’t weakness. It is courage. It is strength. It is recognising that you don’t have to carry everything alone.
So perhaps today, instead of asking, “What do I need to get done?” Ask yourself: “What do I really need right now?” Then give yourself permission and allow yourself the space to really listen to the answer.
Because self-care isn’t something you earn after you’ve taken care of everyone else. You are part of the equation. And looking after yourself isn’t selfish. It’s how you begin the journey of rebuilding. And that journey does not necessarily have a destination.
Image: Chat GPT