The difference between resilience and pretending you’re okay.
Somewhere along the way, we’ve created a rather ridiculous expectation that resilient people don’t struggle. That if you’re optimistic, you shouldn’t also be grieving. If you’re strong, you shouldn’t be crumbling inside. If you’re determined, you shouldn’t need support. And if you’re fighting for something you believe in, you should be able to do it without showing the emotional bruises along the way.
But here’s the thing: resilience and suffering are not mutually exclusive.
You can be optimistic and heartbroken. Determined and exhausted. Courageous and frightened. Unbreakable and still hurting. You are allowed to be all of those things at once. You can be fiercely resilient and still be struggling. You can find reasons to be optimistic while grieving what you’ve lost. You can have an unwavering determination to move forward while privately wondering how much more you can possibly carry. And I’ll be brutally honest, that’s precisely where I’m at right now.
BUT none of those things make you weak.
Grief doesn’t mean you’ve lost your optimism. It means something mattered. Something changed. Something you loved, believed in, trusted or expected is no longer what it once was. Optimism isn’t the absence of sadness. It’s the ability to recognise that life can be devastating and still believe there might be something worth looking forward to. Because there always is.
Likewise, being unbreakable doesn’t mean you’re immune to all of the pains of life. Let’s be honest, none of us getting out of it alive, are we?
Sometimes being unbreakable simply means you keep showing up, even when every part of you would rather retreat (or in my case, stay in my beautifully comfortable bed, electric blanket on, overlooking my gorgeous garden whilst watching You Tube). It means finding the courage to make another phone call, reach out to someone, have another difficult conversation, challenge another injustice or take another step when the road ahead feels impossibly long.
But let’s be clear about something.
Being strong doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t suffering.
You can fight for what is right (and boy have I been doing that at full speed since January) whilst acknowledging that the fight is taking a devastating toll. You can stand your ground while feeling emotionally exhausted. You can refuse to surrender your principles without sacrificing your right to rest, recover and be supported.
In fact, I would argue that recognising your own suffering takes a different kind of courage altogether.
We’ve become very good at celebrating the comeback story. We applaud the woman who rises, rebuilds, reinvents herself and emerges stronger than before. But what about the woman in the middle of it? The one who hasn’t found her silver lining. The one who is still angry, grieving, questioning and trying to make sense of what has happened and is happening. The one who is doing everything she can to keep moving forward while carrying an invisible weight that most people will never see nor understand. She deserves recognition too.
You don’t have to turn every painful experience into a lesson. You don’t have to find the positive in every situation – because let’s be honest, some situations just plain suck. And you certainly don’t have to perform strength for the comfort of other people. Hell no!
Sometimes resilience looks like fighting. Sometimes it looks like stopping for a bit to breathe. Sometimes it looks like seeking support. And sometimes it looks like admitting, out loud, that you’re not okay. Guilty as charged!
None of these diminish your strength, courage or resolve.
I decided that after a month of navigating yet another particularly horrible situation, that it was time to return to work. Not from the point of view of pushing through, but for others to see that it hasn’t broken me. To be the demonstration to others of what the human spirit is capable of. And so that my clients know my strength in continuing to support others whilst caring for my own needs at the same time. And that’s not hustle nor caring a toss what others think – that’s self awareness in action.
So, if you’re navigating a season of grief, change, injustice or uncertainty, remember this: You can be optimistic and heartbroken. Determined and exhausted. Courageous and frightened. Unbreakable and still hurting. You are allowed to be all of those things at once.
You don’t have to be completely okay to be strong. And you don’t have to stop struggling to keep rising. Rising is a process – not necessarily a destination.
That’s not weakness. That’s being human. And perhaps that’s where real and enduring resilience begins.
Image: Chat GPT